Regrets Only
by callmeonetrack
Summary: Kara's leaving for Caprica in 45 minutes and Lee decides it's his last chance to make a stand.


**Title:** Regrets Only  
**Characters:** Lee/Kara  
**Setting:** AU from 2.19 Lay Down Your Burdens, Pt. 1  
**Rating:** PG  
**Category:** Angst, Romance, Humor  
**Disclaimer:** Ron Moore owns them all.  
**Summary:** Lee makes a stand before it's too late.  
**Author's Note:**_ If Lee and Kara were real people, they'd need several thousand hours of therapy to unpack all their baggage before they could even approach a happy ending together. I gave them 45 minutes, at least 15 of which they spent groping each other. Go figure._

"It's a good plan." Lee looked at the floor and kept rambling. He wasn't even sure exactly what he was saying. His head was filled with a rushing sound and he was having trouble catching his breath. He thought about checking the oxygen gauge on the wall, because air had a funny way of escaping his proximity sometimes, but Kara interrupted him.

"I know the plan, Lee. I wrote it."

He gulped and nodded. Right. This was going all wrong.

She cleared her throat. "I-I should go."

Lee wasn't sure if it was just wishful thinking, but he thought she looked reluctant. Before he'd finished the thought, however, the Starbuck mask slipped down and she turned away. His breath hitched in his throat. In 30 seconds, she was going to walk out that door, maybe for the last time ever, because even the best laid plans, even Starbuck-created plans, were risky. Hell, they were the riskiest of all. He shot to his feet.

"Captain!"

She froze, one hand reaching for the auto door panel. Seconds ticked by and when she turned, Lee was shocked to see a hint of what looked suspiciously like fear in her eyes. Somehow he was emboldened by it.

He stepped forward, stopping a few feet in front of her. "I can't let you go."

The flash he'd thought was fear disappeared as her eyes narrowed and her lips tightened into a grimace.

"Well, sir," she bit off, "the admiral finally frakking approved this mission, so—"

"No." He lurched forward and grabbed her shoulders. "I can't let you go, Kara. It's not an order."

Her eyes widened as she stared at him. Then she slowly shook her head, and turned away, her eyes fixed on the far wall. She huffed a mirthless chuckle and then turned back to meet his apprehensive gaze."Then what the frak is this, Lee?"

He still couldn't breathe. He'd thought saying something out loud, finally talking about the enormous elephant that was always in the room, would help. But now it was looking like a miserable idea again, just like the hundreds of times he'd wanted to say something before, when Zak or duty or pride or fear had stopped him. But this wasn't exactly like all those times. Kara was leaving to find that pyramid player and she would, because even if Starbuck thought Anders was dead, Lee knew that, if anyone could pull a miracle out like a needle in a haystack it'd be her. This was it—Lee could feel it, his last chance.

He threw it into the wind and stepped closer. His fingers were still digging into her shoulders, he realized and Lee unclenched them, sliding down her arms over the thick rubber flight suit. He slid his hands under her elbows and tugged her towards him and Kara stumbled forward against his chest. She looked up at him, one eyebrow raised in a question or maybe a challenge. That was all the incentive he needed.

Lee tilted his head and kissed her, quick and hard at first, so he wouldn't change his mind but when he felt her lips part against his, he slowed. This was supposed to be about getting Kara's attention, but ironically, Lee found he was the one getting distracted now that she was in his arms. Still, she wasn't protesting and that was something. If this little discussion went as badly as he expected it might, he should take advantage of the fact that, once again, their bodies at least seemed to be in synch.

Releasing her elbows, he slid one hand to the small of her back and the other up to cradle Kara's neck in the palm of his hand. As he let his tongue trace across the seam of her lips, his fingers stroked the soft skin at her nape. He felt her shiver and gasp softly and she shifted closer pressing her palms against his chest. Beneath the scent of military issued shampoo and damp rubber, Lee could smell the faintest hint of vanilla that always lingered on Kara's skin, incongruously sweet even when she was covered in grease from doing maintenance on her bird or sweat-dampened from a bout sparring with Helo. Between the soft noise and the scent and the skin burning under his fingers, Lee felt his senses completely flooded by her. He was drowning in Kara. And he wanted more.

Cupping her face with both hands now, he slid his thumbs forward, smoothing down her jaw line and up across her cheeks almost to the corners of her lips. He pressed down slightly, opening her mouth to him and Lee licked his way inside, his tongue rubbing hers. She made a soft mewling sound and Lee felt her body lose its coiled tension, her whole form loosening and sagging against him slightly. He deepened the kiss, his mouth tightening over hers, and she responded in kind. Always a competitor, even in this, Kara was nipping at his lips, tongue darting deep, attacking his mouth with an intensity he hadn't expected.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed locked like that, tongues battling for supremacy, melded so tightly together that her gun belt was digging painfully into his lower abdomen and in dangerous proximity to more sensitive areas of his anatomy. Distracted though his body was, a tiny part of his brain, perhaps the part that remembered his military training to always remain focused on the mission, insisted he stop now, while she was finally completely receptive to him, and try to tell her how he felt.

It took three tries before he could do it, but Lee finally forced himself to pull back and look into her eyes. He was breathing hard like he'd just run laps around the ship at top speed and his heart was racing, but he choked the words out anyway, unwilling to wait any longer. "This is it, Kara. This is the 'nothing between us' that keeps ripping my guts out every time you pull some hotshot move, every time you jump to some hell forsaken planet on a crazy mission that could get you killed, every time you walk away from me." He paused, gulping for air still.

She looked at him dazedly, staring and blinking rapidly, as if she'd just woken up and was trying to clear her head. He was gratified to see she was breathing almost as hard as he was. Her expression shifted from hazy awareness to wide-eyed confusion and incredulity. Kara stared at him as if he was crazy. "Us? You want to have some kind of deep heart-to-heart about this now? When you were just--" and she caught herself, narrowing her eyes in anger, and reached up, pulling his hands away from her face and flinging them away. "When I'm forty-five minutes away from making the biggest jump we've undertaken since the war started."

He almost stepped back at her growl, but found his own anger growing. Just why did she have to be so godsdamned difficult all of the time? "Yeah, I want to talk about it now. I've been sitting in this frakking room for hours, stewing, because all I can think about is the fact that either way, Kara, no matter what happens on this mission, I'm going to lose you."She sputtered and jerked back.

"Lose me?" she snorted. "Oh that's good Lee, priceless in fact. Gods, how can you worry about losing me when you never had me in the first place?"

He forgot how honest she could be and how much it hurt when she was.

She smiled now, her grin feral and tinged with malice. "C'mon Lee, this isn't about us. It's not even about me. This is about Sam. You only want me when you're afraid someone else might get me." He started to protest but she held up one hand. "Sam. Baltar." She paused. "Zak."

Zak?" Lee crinkled his brow in frustration. "Kara, you and my brother were together months before we even met.""Yeah, we were dating. I wasn't married to him, Lee. It wasn't even exclusive."His jaw tightened. "So you thought my little brother wouldn't mind if I said to him, 'Hey, I think I might want to ask your girlfriend out. Feel like sharing her?'"

"She groaned in frustration and spoke slowly. "No. That's not the point, Lee. The point is you never asked for a reason. Not then and not now."

He rubbed a hand over his mouth, at a loss. "Kara, I don't understand what you want me to say. When you were with my brother, yes, I was attracted to you. I felt it from the minute we met at that total dive bar in Delphi that he loved so much. But I could never have betrayed him like that, not even for you."

She sneered. "Oh, but you think I would have? Right? Gods!" She shook her head and looked down to the floor. She stilled for a moment and it was suddenly awfully quiet in his quarters.

Lee wondered if he should apologize, but he wasn't exactly sure what for. Then Kara lifted her head, all traces of anger gone, her face sporting an enigmatic look. "We were going to get married."

She glanced at him for barely a second before her gaze flitted away. "We didn't tell anyone, though he could barely wait till graduation and kept hinting about it to everyone." A trace of a smile played on her lips at the memory. "Your dad only figured it out when I told him about what I did…the flight test." She shrugged and looked back to him, her gaze level. "It didn't matter anyway, a few weeks later, he was gone."

Lee sank down on the edge of the couch, reeling. Married. How had he not known this? Why didn't Zak tell him at the very least? Images tripped through his head as he tried to process this. He imagined sitting down for a hundred family dinners, a nightmarish montage of passing Kara the potatoes over and over again, some eternal punishment for coveting his sister-in-law. The very words made him flinch. He could barely focus as Kara kept talking.

"I loved Zak, and I never would have cheated on him, _not even with you_, but I betrayed him all the same." That got his attention and he brought his head up sharply. She smiled, a twisted, ugly thing that wrenched his heart. "Loving me killed him, Lee. So I wouldn't be so eager to hop in that line if I were you."

She turned around and stalked towards the door. And even in his fog, Lee knew if he let her open it and walk through, it would be over."Kara, wait a minute! This isn't about jealousy and it is not about sex. This isn't a reaction." He walked back to her and lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. "I know the timing is bad, awful even, but this...this is it. The last chance. If I let you walk out that door now, you're not going to come back to me. And I need you Kara." His voice dropped and he tilted his head closer to her. "I need you to always come back to me."

She looked at him in trepidation, and bit her lip, which he knew Kara only did when she was nervous and uncomfortable. "It's been three years since Zak died, Lee. If you really feel something for me, felt it since the day we met, then what were you waiting for?" Her expression shifted and he couldn't read it, but he didn't miss the trace of amused bitterness in her words. "An engraved invitation, maybe? 'Kara Thrace requests the pleasure of your appearance in her rack at 2300. Regrets only.' "She shook her head and pursed her lips. Smirking again. "Actually, that's perfect. Because that's all you'd end up with Lee. Regrets." She pulled back and turned towards the door again.

The panic reared up inside him and Lee stepped forward, grabbing her arm. She turned back, a face full of murder, and he lunged forward quickly grabbing both arms, so she couldn't pull away or, gods forbid, punch him. "I love you. OK? I love you, Kara. I should have told you that a long time ago." He searched her face, which was unreadable, but she hadn't moved away and he'd take that as a sign of faith. "So go on this mission and rescue those people, but if you think this guy, Anders, if you think that he can make you happy, then you're in as much denial as I was. Because frakked up as we are, there is always going to be something here. There will always be an us."

He released her arms and stepped back. Lee knew instinctively that he'd done all he could. He had to let her decide.

Kara was locked in place, standing still as a statue. Her eyes, round and wounded, scanned his face. She reached out with her free hand to touch his cheek. "Lee. I only knew Sam for five days and he has haunted me ever since." Lee winced, but Kara kept talking. "Everything—every man I have ever loved has lived to regret it." She grimaced. "Actually, that's not true; Zak didn't even get the chance."

"Kara."

She shook her head, as if to erase a bad memory and looked up at him again. "And you, I have tried so frakking hard to push you away every way I know how, just so that you wouldn't." Kara shifted uncomfortably and grimaced. "Hell, I shot you. But somehow, you keep coming back." She paused, eyes locked on his. "I may be a frak-up but even I know destiny when I see it. If this is the rest of our lives—this war, Galactica—I don't want to keep making the same mistakes. I want to spend it with you."

Kara exhaled like she'd been holding a deep breath for a long time. Lee could feel a huge grin creeping over his face, almost of its own volition. He couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled like this. Lee threw his arms around her hard, hugging her so tightly he actually lifted her off the floor a little.

"I love you Kara Thrace. And gods help me, but I'm not taking it back."

Seconds ticked by until finally her mouth split into an impossibly wide, perfectly Starbuck grin. "Well, that's good. Cause I'd hate to have to kick your ass, Apollo." Relief and giddy elation rushed through him as Kara bounced forward, laughing now and wrapping her arms around his neck. She kissed him searingly, her hands sliding up his neck, fingers threading through his hair. Lee returned her attentions with equal fervor, living only in the moment, for once not overthinking.

The intercom had already repeated the message twice before it sunk into their brains. Dee's voice, clipped and calm, intoned: _Captain Thrace, please report to the hangar deck. Captain Thrace to the hangar deck._

Kara stilled, her lips still pressed to his jaw as she spoke. "You really do have crap timing, you know that right?" She sighed and pulled back, hands sliding down his chest. "I have a mission to run. And you," she poked a finger into his chest, "need to start thinking about all the ways you're gonna make up for that wasted time when I get back." She leaned forward again and pecked his lips. "Years, Lee. Think big." She raised her eyebrows comically, smirking now, and backed away, turning to hit the door panel.

Lee felt the pressure build in his chest again. They hadn't discussed anything really. Not what was going to happen when she came back to the ship with that pyramid player in tow, not—gods—what he was going to tell Dee. She hadn't even said I love you back. And he was right back where he started, with her turning and leaving. But just before she passed through the doorway, she glanced back, her timing impeccable of course, and gave him a huge smile. A Kara smile, not a Starbuck one. "I love you too, you know. Have ever since I thoroughly trounced your ass in pool at that dive bar."

She grinned and Lee knew. This was it. The beginning. He felt the knots in his chest loosen and fall away and this time he was the one to step forward, his mouth on hers. The intercom beeped again and he stilled, but Kara smiled against his lips, murmuring, "Let 'em wait. Party doesn't start till I get there anyway." But Lee pulled back all the same. "Kara, about the mission--"

"Lee, I still have to go. You get that right?" She interrupted, her brow furrowed. "I made a promise and I'm not gonna break it." Her eyes flashed. "It's not just Anders, there's survivors, women. Those farms--I can't leave those people there."

He leaned forward and kissed her once, softly, just to stop the stream of heated words. Lee tried not to smile as she blinked in surprise. He wondered why he'd never tried to stop their arguments like that before.

Would've saved a whole lot of time. "I get it, Kara. I want you to go and I want you to save them. Even the pyramid player." He smiled. "You just make sure you tell him that you're spoken for now."

She relaxed and laughed, her eyes dancing now. "Oh, ho! Spoken for, am I? Well," she said, reaching for him and trailing her fingers lightly down his chest towards his belt buckle. "If I'm gonna be a one-man woman, you are gonna have to work awfully hard, commander. I have needs, you know."

He trapped her fingers, grabbing her hand. "I'm serious Kara. This is it. You're it for me." He studied her face earnestly. "I'm breaking it off with Dee as soon as possible."

She smirked and rolled her eyes. "Just wait till we're out of radio contact all right?" She leaned in and kissed him once more, and then stopped, biting her lip again. "But you're sure about this, Lee? I mean...I'm not anything like Dee. You know I'm going to drive you crazy."

"And that would be different from every day since I met you, how?"

"Well now, we'll have a much better way to work out all that frustration at least." She grinned and laughed, sliding a hand down his chest. "So you're ready then for a lifetime of regrets?"

"Oh, yeah," he smiled, everything easier and playful now. "In fact I'm thinking of having it stenciled on my bird, right under my call sign. Lee "Apollo" Adama. Regrets only." He laughed as she slugged his arm. "After all, I'm already regretting letting you go on this mission."

"Letting me? Yeah, we're gonna have to talk about that when--" The intercom crackled loudly interrupting her, and this time it wasn't Dee on the line. It was the Old Man. _"CAPTAIN THRACE IS TO REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO THE HANGAR DECK. IMMEDIATELY."_ The PA cut out with a screech and Lee and Kara looked at each other, sporting twin expressions of kids caught stealing from the cookie jar.

"OK now, you really have to go." Lee traced her quick steps to the doorway.

"Good hunting, Starbuck." He reached a hand up and traced a finger down her cheek. "And Kara…be careful out there." The severity of this mission had amplified in Lee's brain--the distance, the risks, they all seemed much larger now. He couldn't stop himself from saying it. "You come back to me. And that's an order."

Her grin got wider somehow and she saluted, then winked and hit the auto panel. Then Kara turned back, a mischievous grin on her face, and she leaned in and pecked his lips quickly, before vanishing out the door, running down the hall towards the deck.

Lee watched her go and decided that if he ever became a praying sort of man, the first thing he'd thank the gods for was last chances.

--fin--


End file.
